You can measure the quality of a restaurant by the number of peanut shells on the ground. Quarter-inch thick or I'm walking. Sorry I'm fancy
— Tiny Starks (@MrJeremyHorn) October 27, 2014
Will be cooking with tomatillos tonight. Thanks in advance for thinking of me as the perfect man.
— Michael Ian Black (@michaelianblack) October 27, 2014
Jogging in place at a crosswalk makes you A) hole B) cool C) what I did there D) bag?
— Eldge (@Sickayduh) October 27, 2014
My wife has been upstairs all afternoon putting batteries into one of those crawling Halloween hands. Are they supposed to moan too?
— Chad Read (@squirrel74wkgn) October 27, 2014
Warning: If caught using 20% off BB&B coupons at any Joann's Fabric a man In mom jeans will appear & take away your members only jacket.
— Juicedballs (@Juicedballs) October 26, 2014
@normmacdonald Half-brooklyn, half-southern. grew up in a y'all/you'se household.
— John Fugelsang (@JohnFugelsang) October 27, 2014
Yes I'll be roasting fans in Atlantic City this Saturday night. Music Box Theater in The Borgata Casino. Please bring your fattest friend.
— Jeff Ross (@realjeffreyross) October 27, 2014
Hey make sure to have the worst Instagram name of all time so no one will ever follow you. Oh you do already? Cool. pic.twitter.com/tGCtuT8fmI
— Chris D'Elia (@chrisdelia) October 27, 2014
The beauty of America is that we can strongly disagree on things, and at the end of the day, still come together and hate each other.
— Dana Gould (@danagould) October 27, 2014
If you kiss me I might turn into a prince pic.twitter.com/aZ0z9YeuDe
— Ricky Gervais (@rickygervais) October 27, 2014
I hate when that happens. pic.twitter.com/vqVnXTW2aF
— Horatio Quartzjixler (@Quartzjixler) October 26, 2014
When I have flu my doctor always says to drink "sports drinks" like he's on TV and can't legally say Gatorade. Also his number is 555 1212
— John Mulaney (@mulaney) October 27, 2014