Wishing my pal Jose Canseco a quick recovery from his gun cleaning accident. #lostFinger pic.twitter.com/EP725qRdUl
— Steven BRODY Stevens (@BrodyismeFriend) October 31, 2014
Bike helmets are the only product so awful that even the possibility of permanent brain damage isn't enough of a selling point
— Brian Gaar (@briangaar) October 30, 2014
POSTULATE: Underwear that is a little too big is sadder than underwear that is a little too small.
— Michael Ian Black (@michaelianblack) October 31, 2014
If you put urine in a Brita filter, it just turns into Mountain Dew.
— Robot Eats Ice Cream (@MichaelLarrick) September 19, 2014
I’m hot blooded, check it & see/ I got a fever of 103/ why’s everyone on the bus screaming/ maybe I shoulda wiped off the rectal thermometer
— Brian (@Black__Elvis) October 30, 2014
I'm starting to suspect Dr. Dre didn't even go to medical school, you guys.
— Noah Kinsey (@thenoahkinsey) October 29, 2014
Apple CEO Tim Cook officially came out as gay. But knowing Apple, a new Tim Cook will probably come out next week. #fallonmono
— jimmy fallon (@jimmyfallon) October 30, 2014
I know the guac is extra but that doesn't mean you can take someone on a date to Chipotle
— Whitney Cummings (@WhitneyCummings) October 30, 2014