Some fuckin guy at this LA street fair named his kid Tennessee
— Andy Richter (@AndyRichter) October 26, 2014
"Make the voices stop!" "Just close that browser window" "Oh...yeah"
— Brett Hamil (@BrettHamil) October 26, 2014
Just got a message from @DougBenson saying he won't look at my sideboob. You know that scene in "Radio" when Cuba's mom dies? Same feeling.
— Charlie Gallagher (@cjjmfg) October 26, 2014
Feeling strange, Mr. Bond? That's because I laced your martini with a measles vaccine. You're autistic now.
— Mark Leggett (@markleggett) October 26, 2014
Let's be honest. Peeing in the shower is pretty fun and great. Right?
— marc maron (@marcmaron) October 26, 2014
@AndyRichter i got myself pencilled in for a little DIY IBS later today
— POST INTERNET BAKOON (@BAKKOOONN) October 26, 2014
Stop being afraid of Ebola. Instead, prepare for the threat of Fearbola. http://t.co/HkZ9z8xQN5 #LNSM pic.twitter.com/fEh3N2Chjd
— Late Night (@LateNightSeth) October 26, 2014
Happy birthday @HillaryClinton! Remember when we went tie shopping & you said you were gonna "put it on your Bill" & laughed? I just got it.
— Ellen DeGeneres (@TheEllenShow) October 26, 2014
Perusing online dating profiles - attractive girl. The first line of her self summary was "I love life". I thought 'not for me'.
— Dov Davidoff (@dovdavidoff) October 26, 2014
Making this haunted house scarier by passing out oatmeal raisin cookies.
— Sassafrantz (@Sassafrantz) October 26, 2014
Whenever baseball announcers refer to a game as a "chess match," I think, "Dude, the game's already pretty boring you're not helping."
— Brian Gaar (@briangaar) October 25, 2014