My Ebola pandemic kit is a Fleshlight, an Austin Powers costume and a copy of Tuesdays with Morrie. #ready
— Patton Oswalt (@pattonoswalt) October 15, 2014
I’m pretty sure when the umpires say they’re going to look at the replay, they’re watching cat videos.
— Conan O'Brien (@ConanOBrien) October 15, 2014
sometimes it's nice to just sit back relax and imagine dogs wearin suits
— chuuch (@ch000ch) October 9, 2014
Only took me 5 minutes to recreate (& improve) the Jurassic World poster. pic.twitter.com/llpruFLCFs
— cinemasins (@cinemasins) October 15, 2014
Really unprepared for consciousness today.
— Michael Ian Black (@michaelianblack) October 15, 2014
“@medinamontenegr: Closed captioned described you singing @jimmyfallon... Haha.. It wasn't that bad.. pic.twitter.com/DD4NKwfiJE” unbelievable.
— jimmy fallon (@jimmyfallon) October 15, 2014
i've struggled with negative self-talk, which is normal for a big dumb stupid idiot— Brett Hamil (@BrettHamil) October 15, 2014
Earlier this morning it sounded like all the crickets in my neighborhood stopped suddenly when they heard me fart.— bob saget (@bobsaget) October 14, 2014
Kim Jong Un made his first public appearance in over 40 days. He saw his shadow though, so it's 60 more years of nuclear winter. #fallonmono— jimmy fallon (@jimmyfallon) October 14, 2014
[whispers to my burrito] I'm too drunk, you text someone.— Sassafrantz (@Sassafrantz) October 14, 2014