I'm as high as reindeer pussy.
— Doug Benson (@DougBenson) December 26, 2014
Nephew got a remote control truck for Christmas. Awesome! A fun new way to bruise my ankles!
— Scott Losse (@Scott_Losse) December 26, 2014
For many young women, a dept store Santa is the first in a long line of spooky men pretending to listen while you talk about what you want.
— Dana Gould (@danagould) December 26, 2014
Best thing about being deep in debt is that a few more expensive Christmas presents aren't going to make any fucking difference.
— Michael Ian Black (@michaelianblack) December 26, 2014
If you watch our family videos backwards, you can see Uncle Fred sucking vomit off the floor and humping a turkey back onto the table.
— Sassafrantz (@Sassafrantz) December 26, 2014
I will find a way to accidentally set fire to any present you ask me to wrap
— audrey farnsworth (@audipenny) December 24, 2014
My sons are all stressed out now because I told them Santa sometimes stops at Jewish homes to eat the kids.
— andy lassner (@andylassner) December 25, 2014
Apparently Santa drank six beers and left the Cartoon Network on all night
— Brian Gaar (@briangaar) December 25, 2014
Christmas and I have to deal with these people all day.by "these people" I mean the kids I made. Said the man trapped in nothing but a towel
— David Koechner (@DavidKoechner) December 26, 2014
Here's a pic of my mother-in-law. pic.twitter.com/prwQeDigVe
— Jim Gaffigan (@JimGaffigan) December 26, 2014
Jack Frost is definitely my favorite Christmas movie where someone dies immediately.
— Robot Eats Ice Cream (@MichaelLarrick) December 24, 2014
Every year I convert to Christianity from December 24th-25th. Then it's right back to worshipping the Horned One.
— Michael Ian Black (@michaelianblack) December 25, 2014
I have my dog a bacon bone for Christmas....this damn dog has turned into a full fledge crackhead in the house.
— Kevin Hart (@KevinHart4real) December 25, 2014
Let's hope that 2015 is the year that we stop pointing at each other in pictures.
— Phil Hanley (@PhilMhanley) December 25, 2014
Christmas is the most wonderful time of the year, if you hate sunshine, flowers, and the beach. http://t.co/Am2AmTmPwB
— Jeff Ross (@realjeffreyross) December 25, 2014
Merry Christmas! pic.twitter.com/I7PDRF5fjJ
— The First Lady (@FLOTUS) December 25, 2014