Tuesday, May 31, 2016

5/31/2016 09:19:00 PM
Who's going to be the next Bond? Bebop? Rocksteady? Danny Trejo? Jeremy Piven? Flappy McStinkerson? That dog from Air Bud? They may all get their day in the sun, but that day is not today.

Emilia Clarke is making headlines after telling Vogue that she would like to be the next "Jane Bond" with Leonardo DiCaprio as her leading man. There's also been a lot of talk about Gillian Anderson starring as the super spy in the next installment of Ian Fleming's James Bond franchise.

It all started because it has been reported that Daniel Craig does not want to reprise the role, despite being offered a lot of money and coupons to the Waffle House to do so.

Daniel Craig ditching the franchise that made him famous, leaves a wide open hole in the hearts of fans and between the legs of his on-screen conquests to fill.

Here's my pick for the iconic ladies' man.

Clint Howard

Can you even think of an actor more fitting for the role than him? I'll answer for you. No. You can't.

I can already hear James Bond clinking his infamous slinky, while sliding off of his tongue and through the gap in his front teeth, "Crazy people aren't afraid of anybody."

Sure, you're thinking "that sounds like something a Bond villain would say, or a line from Tango and Cash" but you'd be wrong, because it's not. About the first thing, not the second. It's the new Bond. The new bald Bond who saves the world in between Ted Cruz rallies.

"But Jarvis," you say, "Ted Cruz already pulled out." *That's what she said*

The new James Bond doesn't care, and he doesn't pull out. He throws Ted Cruz rallies himself. At his home. In the dark. Whether or not people are there and clothes are presently worn.

There's no better actor, or man, to play the next James Bond. That's not an opinion, it's a fact. Jack.


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