Light My Fire

You light this candle and we are no longer friends.


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A special thanks to Vicki at Glitter Frog for this awesome award.  If you think I'm awesome, then you are guaranteed to be awesome too.  Sounds like solid logic to me...

It's My Heckle!

What started as a playful fight between Herbert and Steve over the "Nerd of the Year" Award, quickly turned violent when glasses were smashed and pubic hair pulled out...

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Speaking of awards, Jess over at Mal-diction gave me an award...  However I'm not sure if she gave me just one of the "Sugar Doll" or "You're My Blogger Crush" awards, or both... Either way, I feel pretty damn special!  Thanks Jess!  Check out her blog.  She's funny, and she be done has gooder grammar.

Snobby Douchebag Heckle

(This was a message I found on someone's blog recently)

WTF?  What kind of snobby ass doucheface limp wiener can't possibly accept any more awards?  It must really suck to have SO many people liking your blog that you can't possibly take any more positive feedback...

"No! Please!  Stop saying nice things!  I can't handle any more! I'm just too awesome to comprehend... Must... Stop... Getting... Awards...."

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Moving on to the awesome people that give ME awards... Natalie from Mommy of a Monster has given me the Trendy Blog award!  Thank you Natalie!  I love getting awards.  I personally feel that my ego isn't big enough yet, so I need validation until I explode and "just can't handle any more." (seriosly, wtf was that about?)  So visit Natalie's blog, because she's awesome and because I said so.

Proud of Myself Heckle

I'm so proud of you!  Excellent job on the artwork!  Now why don't you let the girl do one...


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Thanks to Gnetch and One Crazy Brunette for giving me the Assbag Commenter Award!  I love being an assbag.  Maybe I should change the name of this blog?  Dr. Assbag...

If you ever need a doctor of assbaggery, I'm your guy.  Also, make sure you visit their blogs.  Both of them are insanely funny, and you would be doing a disservice to your community, your life, and comedy in general if you don't.  In fact, Danny DeVito loses an inch for every passing hour that you don't...  Can you live with yourself?

Time to Kick Some Heckle

What time is it? ASS KICKING TIME.

(The Nintendo Lord looms over the valley...)

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I want to give a shout out to Tree at Mother of Pearl It Is for giving me the "I Love Your Blog" award! Thanks Tree!

I love awards. They make me feel like I'm naked in a giant bowl of Jell-O... Oh so good...

Make sure you stop by her blog and give her some love! (But not too much, her husband might get jealous)

Overwhelming Heckle

I guess sometimes it's easy to get in over your head...

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A special thanks to Ali from Let's Graph for giving me the Prolific Blogger Award!  Thanks Ali!  Make sure you stop by his blog!

Much Many Mores Awarding Times!

I wanted to give a shout-out to Kingston Girl for giving me the "Sunshine Award!"  AND to Gnetch for giving me the "One Lovely Blog Award!"  I guess I'm just a ball of lovely sunshine!

Check out their blogs! Do it. Do it.

Award Time!

I've been awarded an award from award givers Paul and Kerry.  They have a great site called Butler Way (you should check it out).  I'm not sure if they have a butler or if they are/were butlers in this life or past ones, but I think that's their name.  Which you shouldn't make fun of because they are both pretty ripped and in amazing shape.  But what if your name was "Butler" and then you also were a "butler?"  You would never know if someone was calling you by name or title.  WILD!

It feels awesome to get an award.  This is the only the second one I've gotten and I feel very privileged.

I am supposed to reveal 10 random things about me, which should be very easy because I am an open person. See other random things about me here and here.

1. I have brown hair and eyes, ipso facto, I am full of shit.
2. Speaking of being "full of shit," I will be right back...
3. My favorite movie is "The Little Mermaid." (Ariel is HOT)
4. I can dance all night to this DJ.
5. Anything done right, is done naked.
6. I usually fill awkward silences with midgets and/or genitals.
7. I want to see more elephants in clothes.  Specifically lingerie.
8. Customer service should greet me with a fart, instead of a smile. (It would make them feel better)
9. I've been constipated AND had diarrhea at the same time.
10. Midgets and genitals.

It feels a little like "re-gifting," so I'm not sure about "awards," but here are some blogs I like to read:

Life by Chocolate -  Robyn's blog is clever, funny, and always a pleasure to read.  Plus, she loves chocolate.

Purely Paige - She makes amazing jewelry and she isn't afraid that commenting, advertising, and generally being associated with my inappropriate blog will have a negative impact.  Thank you!

Alabaster Cow - Who knew that parenting could involve so much Chihuahua shit?

Workforced - The business world is a funny place.  Add ninjas and you have www.workforced.com.

Adverb Nazi -  She makes fun of people with bad grammar. WATCH YOUR ASS!

So, um, yeah.  Midgets and genitals.

Happy 101 Blog Award

I want to thank alabaster cow for giving me this award.  It makes me feel good inside.  Kind of like when I sneak out of the grocery store right behind someone else so that it confuses the girl scouts and they don't ask me to buy cookies.

I can't seem to make myself follow the rules because I'm cool like that.  That's right.  I'm a badass.  However, I will post 10 things that make me happy:

10 things that make me happy:

1) Your mom (that's right, we're going there... all the way back to 1992)

2) Dogs wearing people shoes.

3) Dancing naked in front of a mirror (Hey, you asked...actually you didn't.  Sucks to be you.)

4) Pies in people's faces

5) Angry midgets

6) Slinkies

7) Reruns of Seinfeld

8) Turkish Wrestling

9) When people split their pants from bending over

10) When middle-aged women do "baby talk" voice-overs for their overweight cats