This Morning

This morning I crawled out of my cardboard box and was slapped in the face by love.  By "love," I mean your Mom.  She's a wily little minx.  By "wily," I mean huge, by "little," I mean drunk and by "minx," I mean crack whore.

I skipped down the street on my way to work and was shocked to find a dog peeing on my brand new parachute pants.  By "dog," I mean a smelly homeless man and by "peeing," I mean massaging my firm buttocks.

"When will the craziness end?"  I thought to myself.

"Never!"  I answered with my alter-ego named Chaz.

Who is Dr. Heckle?

It was pointed out to me that there is nothing about me on my blog, so I decided to share with you some fun facts about Dr. Heckle.

1) My REAL name is Deuteronomy
2) I like to square dance...nude.
3) I have three penises
4) Sometimes I cough when I'm farting to cover up the sound
5) My nipples can perk up when it's warm out too
6) I like to sleep in my clothes and go to work naked
7) I like to use the phrase "pinching a loaf" when baking bread
8) Your Mom is the best I've ever had
9) I have sex with midgets whenever opportunities arise (three penises come in handy)
10) My "pet rock" was hit by a car (and then the window of this total douchebag I know)

Poemy Poem, by Dr. Heckle

Oh, my poemy poem
Let's go show 'em
Flow from my finger tips
And expose me your quips
I'll write you a song
While wearing a thong
Or write you down there
Without underwear
After slapping our cheeks
For so many weeks
It's time to go home
And have sex with a Gnome.

Grandpa Heckle

This weekend we celebrated my Grandfather's 75th birthday with a big party.  What kind of Doctor would I be if I didn't roast my own Grandpa?

Here is what the kind Dr. Heckle wrote for him:

Grandpa, I've been told
That you're getting old
I'm not sure how to set the stage
For someone at your advanced age
I know it really isn't fair
How you've got gray hair "down there"
But it's time to make amends
And put on your depends
And act like a trooper
When you're leaking out of your pooper
Say goodbye to your younger years
No need to shed any tears
You've aged like a fine cheese, instead of a Twinkie
All dried up, moldy, smelly, and stinky
You've made the term "old fart"
Into a living work of art
I'll listen to your political rants
Even while you're pooping your pants
Tell me about your old buddy Paul Revere
While drinking prune juice for your your rear
In all seriousness though
You're the coolest Grandpa I know
So enjoy your Charleston Chew
And the fresh morning mountain dew
Because you never know when the Grim Reaper is coming for you...

Story Time with Dr. Heckle

 I wanted to share a story about three triplets named Bridget, Fidget, and Widget. Bridget liked to figdet, Widget was a midget, and Fidget had an extra digit and no anus.

One day Bridget, Fidget, and Widget were walking through the park when they met a squirrel named Squidget.  Squidget loved nuts!  He went nuts for those nuts!  He and his life partner, Tim, had adopted lots of babies.  Unfortunately, they all had rabies and scabies.

"Babies with rabies and scabies like to bite," warned Squidget.  Bridget, Fidget, and Widget knew it was legit but they couldn't quit and so they were bit.

The End.

The History of Easter, by Dr. Heckle

Happy Easter! But do you know the REAL story? Well, back when the earth was flat, Little Bunny Foo Foo was hopping through the forest and he laid an egg. That's how Adam was born. Then he had some ribs from Tony Roma's and widdled a woman. They gave birth to Jesus today a couple hundred years ago.

That's why we have to find the eggs and eat them because there can be only one Jesus. FIND THOSE EGGS PEOPLE!